 |
| Photo by Diego Madrigal (https://www.pexels.com/) |
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
Anuradha introduced Oneness to me in 1996, and held my hand while I attended my first class—Vara Yagna—in Nemam in May 1997. At that time, I wasn’t aware of how she had introduced me to the wonder which was my inner journey into finding myself, and ultimately, my Divine.
The latest course which I attended at Oneness University was Ekam Tapas, which lasted for 28 days, in the year 2022. While I had many wonderful experiences during the course itself, it was my journey after I returned to my regular life which was the most impactful. Which is what happens every time I go for my spiritual classes at Oneness. They are all intense, with powerful energy transfers (deekshas) from my Gurus.
I have been relentless in continuing with my meditations, especially being aware of every single thought which crosses my mind, vigilantly, watching them all, like a hawk watches its prey.
I recall to mind what Bhagavan has said about this. “Watching your thoughts will become the most interesting sadhana, as nothing can fascinate you more than the play of your mind.” This is not an exact quote, but the gist of what He has told us.
And it became an experience in my life from January 2003, when my Antaryaamin became fully alive at this point. This has helped me tremendously in my spiritual journey.
It is not only watching one’s thoughts, but to do so without judgement. A tall order, indeed. But then, we arrive at it with constant vigilance, and the blessings of the Lord.
Surrender does not come easily, especially to a control freak such as myself. But Bhagavan says that one of the highest forms of surrender is to be aware that there is no surrender within oneself.
THIS IS SO TRUE!
Krishnaji and Preethaji insist that there are only one of two states which everyone lives in: A Beautiful State or a Suffering State.
The first one leads you to abundance and peace. The second one to the exact opposite. Sounds so easy and achievable in theory, but how to get there in practice?
They have many teachings, contemplations, meditations and deekshas to help us reach a Beautiful State.
To begin with, I attended Ekam Tapas, to drive away the demons which kept repeatedly pushing me down to a suffering state. Did the 28 days bring about a transformation in me?
Yes, to some extent. I was living in a Beautiful State for about a month after I returned from Tapas, before I began sliding down to suffering, when day-to-day life encroached upon me.
I continued to practise the meditations and awareness, but kept going up and down like a see-saw. But the good thing was the recovery from suffering to non-suffering state was swifter than before. It was like climbing on a spiral, where you rise up to a level, but slide back down a little before you rise again, every time reaching a higher level.
I truly thank Utpalaji for her kindness, patience and love when I used to bother her so often, crying out my heart whenever I lost control of my life…
…only to realise about ten weeks ago, that I have never been in control.
 |
| https://www.freepik.com/ |
AND IT HAPPENED, FINALLY!
I woke up one morning to immediately slide into my suffering when I saw that my book sales were mediocre. I nagged my Antaryaamin Bhagavan, accusing him of being unkind to me, and not bothering to answer my prayers. I was crying and cribbing and complaining, falling into a state of deep suffering.
I allowed myself to wallow in my suffering, completely, throwing my arms up to the Divine and truly realising that there was nothing I could do about it.
Suddenly, it felt as if a lamp was switched on in my brain.
Why was I praying? What is prayer? I asked myself these questions, realising that I was using prayer as a tool to manipulate God.
Shocking? Yes. But it was the truth. I was trying to control, manipulate God into giving me what I wanted, what I desired, what I craved. I was trying to force Him to not give me anything which I didn’t want, or desire, or disliked.
Are you able to see the humour in this situation? Well, I did. And I was simply amazed at my own audacity: believing that I was in control of my life, my experiences. In this whole thing, I had forgotten the most basic truth: that I am on this earth, in this human vessel, to experience the Divine, which is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent. And I was trying to manipulate this Divine, believing foolishly, that I (the small I as against the Universal I) knew better.
This maybe something I have learned repeatedly, and was very well aware of. But for the first time, I actually experienced it.
It was true liberation from suffering. I realised the complete lack of sense in praying. At least, the kind of prayer I used to do: keep asking, even begging, sometimes arguing, threatening my Divine to give me this or that, or both.
Prayers simply left me, exactly how the teachers at Oneness had said that unnecessary things will leave us: like a leaf falling off a tree during autumn, effortlessly. It simply falls away because it is meant to do exactly that.
FREEDOM!
My mind chatter reduced to a great extent, and I began to feel more energetic soon after this experience. It isn’t as if my mind has stopped chattering. Not really! But the impact has reduced tremendously. I still complain, continue to judge the people around me, and constantly comment—LOL. I am still the same person, but what has happened is that I feel completely detached from my thoughts. I realise that I have nothing to do with them and keep watching my thoughts as I would watch a movie. And believe me, it is as interesting as Bhagavan promised it would be.
The energy in my physical body is incredibly high. I used to be a lazy, lethargic lump of fat. These days, when I walk, I don’t even wheeze; and I walk way faster than before. The aches and pains have reduced tremendously. And I realise that it is because of my non-suffering state. Amazing, isn’t it?
There was a time when I had forgotten how to smile. That was almost a decade ago. With a lot of spiritual practices, I relearned to smile, but still it was an effort.
Today, I SMILE when I am walking, at nothing. I SMILE when there is nobody with me. I SMILE when I am watching TV—it does not matter if the scene is happy or sad, I just SMILE. I SMILE when reading a book. I SMILE at the crow at my window, at the squirrels. I SMILE and speak to the cats I meet on the street.
I am simply unable to stop SMILING.
And for this BEAUTIFUL STATE, I thank my Amma Bhagavan, Krishnaji, Preethaji. This is complete non-suffering, and I have been experiencing it for the last, at least 10 weeks, if not more.
Thank you, my Bhagavan, for BEING LOVE. Thank you for living in me, filling me with LOVE, to the exclusion of everything else.
I LOVE YOU!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Even as a child, Sundari absolutely loved the ‘lived happily ever after’ syndrome and she grew up on a steady diet of fairy tales, Phantom comics and Mandrake comics. It was always about good triumphing over evil and a happy ending after the protagonists surmounted all unexpected obstacles.
Once she entered her teens, Sundari switched her loyalties from fairy tales to Mills & Boon. While she loved reading both of these, she kept visualising what would have happened if there were similar situations happening in India; to local heroes and heroines. And of course, the joy of vanquishing the ubiquitous evil villains! Her imagination soared and she happily ensconced herself in a rosy romantic cocoon for many years.
Then came the writing—a true bolt from the blue! And Sundari Venkatraman has never looked back.
